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Regular readers of my weekly column will know that, from time to time, I love to share dumb crook news.

There’s nothing that tickles the funny bone more than bumbling idiots who commit crimes. Listed below are a few “laugh out loud” stories I found on the World Wide Web.

In Omaha, Nebraska, a 17-year-old wanna-be criminal decided to stick a gun in the face of a woman who was taking her son to school, demanding that she give him her car. Fearing for her life and that of her son, the woman obliged.

Here’s where the crime took a funny turn. Just as the teen was taking off in the vehicle he realized the car had a manual transmission, which he was unable to drive. He tried to fumble around with the controls, but after moving the car only a matter of yards in a few minutes, he decided to bolt on foot, but was eventually caught by authorities.

Police officers in Crossville, Tennessee arrested a woman after a very unusual pursuit. Police say the woman took an electric shopping cart from a local Walmart store early one morning and drove it down Highway 127 in the slow lane. Police pursued at very low speed.

When officers were able to get her to stop, she reportedly told them she took the cart from Walmart and was driving it to Waffle House to get a cup of coffee.

This story didn’t give a location, but it does show that planning is hugely important when trying to pull off a crime, and it essential to the success of the act that every detail be well thought through in advance.

However, this particular criminal didn’t place very high importance on these things before he decided to rob a gun store, armed with only a baseball bat. Seeing as it was a gun shop, the manager pulled a gun on the would-be robber and kept him in the crosshairs until authorities arrived.

In Carroll, Iowa, two men tried to break into a home while wearing what has been deemed as the worst and least thought out disguises in the history of crime.

When attempting to pull off their caper, the duo opted not to obscure their faces in a normal manner, such as using a mask. Rather, they instead chose to draw on their faces with permanent marker. While it may have made them hard to recognize during the crime, permanent marker is, as the name suggests, notoriously hard to remove, which left the men extremely easy to identify when the police were looking for the culprits.

Breaking into homes can be tiring work, but most criminals are smart enough to wait until they get home before taking a nap. However, that didn’t apply to a man who decided to break into a residence while high on Valium and drunk on vodka. Since he was likely feeling the effects of the drugs and alcohol, he curled up for a nap in the homeowner’s bed and later was woken up by the police who charged him with B&E. He was sentenced to 18 months in jail, which hopefully gave him plenty of time to catch up on his sleep.

One of the keys to success when completing a burglary is to pick the right target. The best target is likely an empty house, while pretty much the worst possible target would be a house full of police officers.

Well, the latter is exactly what a man in Abington, England decided to choose. The house he selected as his target was already burgled earlier in the evening, and thus police officers were already on the scene when he tried to break in. Additionally, he had tried to rob a separate house earlier in the day, but cut himself and fled. However, he left a trail of blood at the scene and could therefore was identified in that crime as well.

There are dumb crooks, and then there are really dumb crooks. An 18-year-old man in Chicago fits the latter label.

He decides to rob a muffler shop. After demanding money, he was told that most of the cash was stored in a safe that could only be opened by the manager, who wasn’t scheduled to come in until a few hours later. To save himself some trouble, the robber left his cell phone number for the store to call him back once the manager arrived. Of course, the store first called the police and then called the robber to return to the store. When he came back and noticed the police were waiting for him, he engaged in a brief shootout with the cops before eventually being arrested.

Here’s another one that qualifies as a really dumb crook story. Two thieves decide to rob a bank in Fairfield, Connecticut, but in an attempt to speed up the process of the crime, one called the bank in advance to let them know that they were coming to rob it. His obvious intent was to give the bank plenty of time to get the money ready so he could just pick it up and leave quickly. Of course, the bank decided to call the authorities and notify them of the robbers’ arrival and the two men were arrested by police without incident.

Perhaps the dumbest criminal of all time has to be a 48-year-old man who tried to rob a bank in Pittsburgh. He apparently didn’t get the memo about needing a good disguise that can quickly blend into the crowd after the crime as he chose a woman’s blonde wig, fake breasts and bright clown pants. Even worse still, in his failed attempt to pretend to be a woman, he didn’t even take the time to shave his facial hair. As if the man wasn’t noticeable enough, he drew even more attention to himself when he tried to steal a car from a nearby gas station, where the attendant called then called the police, who apprehended Hawkins soon after.

You just can’t make this stuff up!

Cal Bryant is the Editor of Roanoke-Chowan Publications. Contact him at cal.bryant@r-cnews.com or 252-332-7207.